So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Randomize
