positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
