just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
