I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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