hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
