I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
