i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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