her vagina looked like bernie madoff
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
