spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
