There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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