And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Don't EVER smell your tampon
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
