Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
