i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
