I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
