He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
