This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
