The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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