remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
