I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
