And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
