Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
