I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
If I die, sorry about rent.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
