In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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