i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
