Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
