so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
