I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
