on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
