morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
