she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She's the barista slut.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Pooping to opera.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
