Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
