My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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