You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
