Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We are two peas in an std pod
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
