I am in a vortex of obligation.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
