I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
