I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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