Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
