I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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