you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
organizing the empties. That sober.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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