well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
