What a fucking waste of an outfit
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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