ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
