i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Randomize
