did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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