I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I FOUND THE LEGS
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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