It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
