So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
