I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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