it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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